All For Me

10th November 2014

status

Something I have found myself questioning repeatedly, that I probably will never have one concrete answer to is, what do I want want from this life? I know where my passion is, and I am working on creating something out of it, but more importantly, I keep asking myself: why do I want to? I have a myriad of ideas and I am always wanting to create something from them. The more work I put into one project in particular, the more I have found myself coming to a standstill, and then it dawned on me, I approached this book with a complete backward justification the minute I started thinking I was creating it for someone other than myself.

I think when we are younger, we have feel the need to have a sense of status in our society that only continues to develop as we mature. This, I believe stems from several places, but nonetheless, we feel this sense of entitlement. I remember feeling the need to look a certain way at school in order to fit in and just be cool. That got old very quickly when I realized I looked like every other girl in school and so I changed that immediately and embraced my personal style. I dropped the “popular” labels and finally felt like me and had everyone ask where I bought my clothes and every time I refused to tell them. I wish I could say I accomplished this in other aspects of my life, but things take time, especially confidence when you know you are different.

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Are You Smarter than a Third Grader?

3rd November 2014

teach

I try to learn to something new and find inspiration every day. I recently began working as a substitute teacher and to my surprise, these little humans are full of my favorite things; sass, spontaneity and brutal honesty. They have no idea how much they have impacted my life in the short span of two weeks.

My first day as a substitute teacher, I found myself sitting in the classroom a full 45 min early and impatiently, yet nervously waiting for 21 third graders to walk into the room and fill their desks. As the final bell rang, a surge of anxiety kicked in. I had read the lesson plan over and over, and strategized the most efficient way to teach elapsed time, and I felt fine about each lesson, but I still questioned whether or not I was truly suitable for this position.

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It Feels Like Home

23rd October 2014

fall

Family is the most important thing to me. Along with my family comes many traditions, which are also important to me. When I was younger, I didn’t appreciate any of this the way I do now, and I know this comes with maturity, but I am happy to realize this now. I have also realized every time my mother said, “at the end of the day, family is all you have,” she really was right. One newer tradition we have started is traveling as a family to attend a Dallas Cowboys football game in October.

I always look forward to this trip and watching the Cowboys play as a family, not only because I can wear my Dan Bailey jersey and sequined Dallas Cowboys hat, but also because it always takes me back to when we would gather around our living room television and cheer for these strangers in silver and navy shiny pants that I felt like I knew. Emmitt Smith will always hold a special place in my heart for this reason.

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“We do not know what we want, and yet we are responsible for what we are” Jean Paul Sartre

14th October 2014

255

Today was really one of the longest days of my life, and it also happened to be my birthday, my 25th birthday. I have been told this is suppose to be a milestone year, and I must admit, 25 does sound WAY older than 24 so I have been dreading this day for some time now, because I have also been told that at this point in life, we’re suppose to have everything figured out. Luckily for me, I have accepted that I will live by my own rules and not let others dictate my success, or how long it takes me. Typically, birthdays feel like a totally normal day for me, but today felt different. Maybe it was because 25 is a milestone, or maybe it was because I am in a completely different place in life than I had always pictured. I know life happens and it usually doesn’t play exactly how we want it to, but I am nowhere near where I always thought I should be at this point.

I remember being 18-years-old and talking about future plans with my best friends in high school. I would finish college, find someone to settle down with, be working at my dream job and have two children by the age of 25. I have never been more ecstatic to be completely wrong about something.

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When one door closes, and then so does seven more…

9th October 2014

train

There are few things that are more annoying than ambiguous rejection. This is so much worse when things appear to be adept, then the rejection is just more befuddled. Fortunately, because I have had to deal with this type of rejection in various areas of my life continually this year, but I have at least learned how to deal with this misfortune.

Rejection is never fun, and it has never been easy, but it is something that I know will never truly end, so the only way to really move past this, is to simply accept it and move on. Around this time last year, I found myself searching for my “dream job.” It’s taken me almost an entire year to learn that this does not exist. I have had fun working odd jobs to stay busy while constantly looking and not settling for simply anything, but I know there is a starting point to every dream, and for everything.

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Rule Breaking: As simple as adding a pair of tights

1st October 2014

rules

I firmly believe that rules are made to be broken, aside from the obvious. The rules I am mainly talking about are the unnecessary rules that we establish for ourselves. In my experience, this has only led to distinct disappointment. Thankfully, this disappointment has shown me how ridiculous these “rules” are and now I am deciding to break them one by one. I started today with an easy one, by wearing shorts in chilly weather.

I’ve been listening and counseling my friends. I love I am the one they all turn to for guidance. I still haven’t quite figured out why I am the chosen one, because I feel I am the least put together of all of us, but looks can be deceiving I suppose. I have noticed a common trend in all of our conversations. Behind all of the discouraging heart-to-hearts, in all aspects from jobs, dating and just every day life is the same underlying issue: life is made far too confusing because of our own rules we are trying to follow.

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Perfectly, not.

30th September 2014

perfectionist

I will be the first to admit I am not perfect, not even close. I will also be the first to admit that I am unsatisfied until I feel like anything I work on is perfect, which explains why my “The Ocean at the End of the Lane” book review is still not finished. I learned what a perfectionist was while I was in fourth grade because my teacher told me to look up its definition in the dictionary because I would find my name listed. Fourth grade was a very defining year for me. I learned so much more than basic multiplication, ecosystems and how electricity works. I learned that I put too much unnecessary pressure on myself. I am still a little guilty of this, but if it had not been for a conversation I had with my teacher, I’m not sure what I would be like today.

I’ll never forget that one day in particular in fourth grade. I was most likely wearing a Dallas Cowboys t-shirt, because my teacher was a huge “Terrible Towel” slinging, Pittsburgh Steelers fan, so we had a very fun rivalry and I wore that t-shirt as often as I could to get a rise out of him. He asked me to step out into the hallway with him because he wanted to talk to me. This was at the end of the school year because we always had awards day the day before field day. At my school, they handed out an award called the “Scholarship Award,” which always went to the two students in each classroom who had the best grades. I took school almost too seriously in my elementary days. I would cry if I left my books at school fearing I would have a pop quiz and be unprepared, I worried I would leave my homework at home and receive an incomplete and mostly I feared I would not receive the scholarship medallion with the genie bottle on it. I can laugh at this now, because even writing this makes me sound like the most absurd 9-year-old.

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This One’s for the Girls

23rd September 2014

girls

I recently watched Emma Watson’s speech on feminism. She has always been one of my favorite actresses for several reasons. I think she is incredibly classy, she is a positive role model and finally, she has killer style. After listening to her speak on feminism, I am an even bigger fan now and I am so happy with the awareness she is raising. Women, like men, are just as important in every aspect of the world. I was at dinner tonight with my closest girlfriends, and I know I talk about them so frequently on here, but they are all such strong, powerful individuals, so of course I am going to brag a little bit.

We are lucky when we all can get together and share dinner to catch up on everyone’s lives. Our dinner’s aren’t necessary always filled with positive news, but tonight was an exception. Even though we have all grown up together, we are all in such different phases of life. Everyone took their turn talking about themselves, with non-stop interjection of course. Two of my best friends are going through a divorce, and although this is not something to be taken lightly, they are so positive about it and still encourage each other. This kind of strength is so admirable and I tell them constantly how proud I am of them for being strong enough to  do what they need to be happy. I hope to be as strong as them one day.

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“Don’t be a stranger, it’s that simple.”

15th September 2014

twopiece2

One of the most important relationships to me is the one I have with my younger and only brother. Of course, I have always loved him, loved picking on him, and loved wearing his clothes to school when we were little and I was a major tomboy, but we did not become close until I moved away for college.

This will remain one of my most cherished days because not only had I been waiting for this day since I started high school, but I felt a sense of independence as I packed each and every box and lined them up in front of my door. I packed the essentials; shower caddy, the complete series of Dawson’s Creek on DVD, my Joe Jonas poster and pictures of my loved ones. We packed our Hummer and headed straight to Muncie where I was about to begin my new chapter. Once we arrived and unpacked everything in my dorm, we realized that we had forgotten a few major things. This was my family’s first experience with college so we made a last minute trip to Walmart to pick up the final few things. I jumped out of my car and looked around and didn’t see my brother. I asked my grandparents where he was and they told me he wasn’t getting out of the car because he was really upset. Confused, I opened their back door to their Impala and he was a crying, emotional mess.

“Please don’t stay here,” he said as tears streamed down his face.

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This is what They’re for

8th September 2014

NY

Some things in my life have a very specific purpose. These few things, happen to be my favorite things. Today, I instantly grabbed my favorite flannel because its purpose is to wear it over just about any other piece of clothing I own, especially in Fall. It is my favorite, because it is comforting. Also topping my list of favorites are my people. My family.

My family can read me like their favorite book. They know when I am having a good day from a bad day, and even when I think I have a believable poker face, they prove me wrong. Something they are terrible at though, is leaving me alone, but I secretly love this about each of them. No matter what, they are always there to build me up, support me, crowd my space (in the best way) and love me unconditionally. This is what they’re for.

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