Something I have found myself questioning repeatedly, that I probably will never have one concrete answer to is, what do I want want from this life? I know where my passion is, and I am working on creating something out of it, but more importantly, I keep asking myself: why do I want to? I have a myriad of ideas and I am always wanting to create something from them. The more work I put into one project in particular, the more I have found myself coming to a standstill, and then it dawned on me, I approached this book with a complete backward justification the minute I started thinking I was creating it for someone other than myself.

I think when we are younger, we have feel the need to have a sense of status in our society that only continues to develop as we mature. This, I believe stems from several places, but nonetheless, we feel this sense of entitlement. I remember feeling the need to look a certain way at school in order to fit in and just be cool. That got old very quickly when I realized I looked like every other girl in school and so I changed that immediately and embraced my personal style. I dropped the “popular” labels and finally felt like me and had everyone ask where I bought my clothes and every time I refused to tell them. I wish I could say I accomplished this in other aspects of my life, but things take time, especially confidence when you know you are different.

This has been an incredible year of growing for me. I have stepped out of my comfort zone multiple times which is necessary for any type of change we are seeking. One goal I am constantly working toward is to stop caring about what others think of me. This is an ongoing battle, but it is definitely getting easier. I’m not sure at which point and for who I felt that I need to impress, but this has only caused me to either not write something because of the fear someone won’t understand it or even like it, and it has also made me heartily doubt myself. These are two of my least favorite things, and the worst part is, I have complete control over my reactions.

This is a big reason I have been trying to escape my painfully small hometown. Everyone knows everyone, and unfortunately thinks they know everyone’s business. Not true. I have felt like I have lived in shadows since moving back home because I want to avoid anyone I know because I have felt like nothing but a train wreck since last December, because I haven’t “figured anything out” or “got out” of my hometown, or “become anything.” At one point I couldn’t even discuss this book I am writing because these unnecessary pressures made me question what I was doing. I also haven’t shared with anyone that I am the new crime beat reporter for my local newspaper because I felt like I was settling instead of accomplishing anything I’ve aimed for.

I know I am not settling. This is all a part of the process of getting to where and what I want from this life. I am excited to share my book when it is finished, and I am done second guessing what I am doing with it. I am also truly excited to start my job as a crime reporter. I believe the best things happen when a plan seems to be collapsing from under us. I value opinions of others and always will, but I truly am finally starting to care less about what others think, and that has made everything much more fulfilling. I am not JUST writing a book or working JUST as a reporter. I am proud of both of these things, and I am happy I can finally admit that and move on.

Steal my look: H&M Floral Maxi Dress: H&M, Forever 21 Black Jeans: Forever 21, BKE Leather Jacket: Buckle